British Self Defence (video sketch)

WAY 1: Pocket knife

So what you could do is carry round a big knife like this (black knife)

but that’s illegal

CRIME: carrying a knife
SENTENCE: 300 years imprisonment, ban on hen ownership

because it’s a fixed blade so you can only use it for opening Amazon parcels

What you can carry is this (search pockets) no wait (search) oh can you see that on the camera?

(oh, I’m just getting word that this too is now illegal)

CRIME: carrying an embarassingly small knife
SENTENCE: drink all the canals in the West Midlands

Right, so you can still defend yourself against a knife weilding assailing! You can simply cut an X in your face, like tough guy Marv from Sin City! Yeah! No one will mess with you then!!!

WAY 2: Firearms

It’s a myth that the british don’t have guns. I, for example, am (cock gun) TOOLED UP

This little beauty costs about 8 pounds at any seaside. It fires tiny plastic BBs.

Now, of course, you can’t shoot anyone with this.

CRIME: bb gun shot
SENTENCE: 400 years imprisonment, mandatory whistling training

What you can do instead is carry it with no magazine, and if attacked, repeatedly pistol whip yourself in the face to look crazy!

WAY 3: Call a police officer

Now this is the British way! Following your assault, the police will take 3 hours to turn up, then go through your social media and send you to prison for tweeting Bible verses.

Satire - pls no bully.